I am really not good at keeping up with these kinds of things. And to look back and see where I've been since my last post almost 3 years ago is very...well...emotional. I feel happy and sad and blessed and changed. I also felt compelled to read back even farther and it's funny to see where I was then. I realized A LOT has changed since I first started this blog. Reading this post especially has put my thoughts and doubts of the last year into perspective. I have been praying like crazy, more than ever...for the world, my family and friends, strangers and myself. Some might think that once your on the path that the Lord has laid out for you, that you can't possible stray from that. WELL YOU CAN...and most likely will. Why? Because we are imperfect humans riddled with sin from which only our Savior Jesus Christ can redeem us. Sometimes I don't allow myself to see the real impact of what that means. Instead, I allow the devil to whisper thoughts of doubt and lies into my ear and I find myself living a life of worry, for fear of rejection, afraid I won't succeed in achieving my dreams. I want to say right now, that is NOT who I am. Reading these old blog posts proves that! I am ready to get back to that previous version of myself.
I am not the person who is afraid to fail or scared to take risks...I am the person who will do whatever it takes because I know God has it all taken care of already. Yet even as I type those words I can feel the devil pulling back my fingers away from the keys. It is so hard to believe it in my heart that I can do it, and I can succeed. Recently, for what feels like eternity, I have been fighting this battle in my mind, trying to beat the devil down. Living outside of myself, watching my motions as if I were not in control of them. I think as I've gotten older I've trapped myself into this horrible thought pattern that makes me so consciously aware of time passing. It's beginning to drive me crazy and I can't stop it. THAT is the devil at work, this I know. I am praying fervently asking God to take control because I cannot allow this evil to consume me...and I can't beat it alone.
Everyone has their own battles to fight and this is mine. I have been racking my brain, trying to figure out when and how I lost sight of the path. I found myself losing patience in the days that were passing not fulfilled with what got had put on my heart to pursue. And as I tried to stay on the straight and narrow, anxiety slithered through, like swiftly growing vines of ivy underneath my feet. I allowed the evil to trickle down and the path eventually became covered in a forest of overwhelming doubt and worry.
I have already begun clearing that path...I knew it was there all along, just waiting for me to find it again. In the back of my mind I knew God never gave up on me and that's why I could never lose sight of Him. Even when I didn't want His help, He was still there. I am still lost sometimes and when I find myself searching, I look to God. Instead of allowing myself to become swallowed up by the darkness, I will search for the hope and promise that is Jesus. Reading these old posts has helped me to reach a breakthrough in my journey and succumb to the abundant grace, truth and love that Jesus has shown me. I have been reading Romans 8 (especially verses. 35-39) over and over this past week and it has helped me to toss out some of my doubts...
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love...The certainty here is that I could never understand how much God loves his children. The way I love my husband is nothing compared to the love that the Lord has for me. I use my husband as an example because there is nobody I love more on this earth. So you see...God's love is so huge for me, why would he ever want me to fail? In turn, why should I ever have any worry or doubt that things won't workout? And even when I can't see the truth of His love because I am too busy worrying about today, that's okay...He will be patiently waiting in the wings for me to find Him. To rest easy in the comfort of knowing that no matter what, he's got my back. That's what unconditional love is, an unwavering devotion to the people you care most about, and would never let down. Where humans fail, God does not. When the flesh disappoints, God is victorious, and through Him overwhelming victory is already ours!
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[o]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
p.s. I know this post was heavy. I needed to get these thoughts out of my mind and my blogger home was what was the most accessible tool for doing so at the time. I doubt I could be the only person who's ever felt this way... and if there is anybody else dealing with this kind of stuff, rest easy, you're not alone...
...playin with my new toy. Got some pics of zoe playing in the snow. I like taking pictures of the family pet. It's amazing how some photos, moments frozen in time, can really speak to the viewer. The everyday moments that you share with another are easily forgotten in life. But a photo helps you remember, helps you to take a second look, helps you to maybe even get to know the subject better. I looked into zoe's eyes in this picture and felt that tug on my heart-strings. Sometimes it takes a photo...that second look frozen in time, to really make you appreciate the joys of life.
...and best friends...and God.
Photo via flickr
It's around 2 a.m. and I'm sitting here wanting a snack. I proceed to the fridge and see the half a cantaluope in there. I take a bite.
BAM! I'm thinking."thank you God for this cantaloupe." Then suddenly a flood of thank you's come pouring out of my mind and up to God. I'm totally thankful for everything that happened today.
Thank you for letting me wake up today God, and thank you for the Glee Soundtrack on the way to work...singing "we got the funk, gotta have that funk." Oh, and thank you Lord for the cute kids I got to photograph today at work...what a fun job that is...and thanks God, for that little extra money in the bank account so we could eat dinner tonight....best of all...thanks for placing my best friends on my back porch for me, so I could see them when I got home. Thanks for putting them in my life.
That final little thanks I'm sending is for that Cantaloupe you placed so perfectly in my fridge for me to eat so I could enjoy this moment right now. Thanks God, I love you.
So, a friend of mine over at the Teenage Bride blog passed this little blog award over to me. You should definately check her out. I admire her sincere understanding of marriage and how much she truly values God's greatest gift...LOVE! You should also check her out because I designed her blog too!
I'm sure all of you bloggers know what this is by now because it's all over the blog world. The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award. I tried researching the origin of this award, but found nothing. I know it's just for fun, but I was curious about how it all started so if anybody would care to fill me in, that would be wonderful!
Now I am obliged to share 5 facts about myself, then pass the award on to 5 other devoted bloggers.
1.) I love cheese...all kinds of cheese...
2.) I was just really good friends with my husband for about 2 years before I realized I loved him. I am so glad I let him know how I felt.
3.) I love God more than anything.
4.) I have loved art for as long as I can remember. I was born with the creative genes.
5.) I plan on starting my own little biz someday....soon I hope :)
Ok, I know those were random, but they were the first thoughts that popped into my head...
The 5 lovely bloggers I choose are:
My pen pal k.davis @ Believe It and Be Satisfied
Now go on and spread the love...bye!
I can't stop day dreaming about my recent trip to California. I wish I was still there! A part of me wants to pack up my belongings and call San Diego my new home. But it hasn't even been a year since I moved here, and I can't stand the thought of moving across the country right now! So I will continue to dream...